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Amid all the celebration of culture and appreciation of heritage, Black History Month also serves as a painful reminder of the loneliness, the exclusion and segregation, the jabs and harsh words, insults and ignorance, and generally foul treatment blacks have been forced to endure over the years since our country came to be. Although there is a sort of justice in the reality that African Americans have not only survived it all but have prospered through it, the struggle is still very much as real today as it was the day the Emancipation Proclamation was enacted. Let’s face it, the likelihood of eliminating hatred from the heart of every human being is slim to nil. That’s an unrealistic aspiration, so unachievable that to think we could do so is foolish. Because of this fact, the main goal of inclusion focuses is to reach a state where we can all recognize the domino effect that one person’s hatred has on society as a whole, recognize biases as they appear in contemporary America, and counteract them so that the stereotypes and falsehoods aren’t allowed to spread like wildfire in the hearts and minds of our communities. However hard we try though, there will always be a negative Nancy in every bunch. And when you come face to face with her, or Pretentious Polly, Flippant Phyllis, Sour Sara, Ignorant Ida, Bitter Brittany, Racist Randy, KKKaren, or Biased Brad I want you to be prepared for it. Not only for their behavior, but for the feelings it ignites inside of you.
When you find yourself in a situation that causes you to feel like you just don’t fit in, don’t belong, what do you do? What are some of the other feelings you experience? Some of these situations may be a study group the teacher assigns you to at school, one in which you are the only black student, or maybe in the cafeteria at your new job where you feel everyone’s eyes on you as you enter the room, or at the new salon where you hoped to get a relaxer but instead got a roomful of giggles and whispers from blondes with wispy hair who had no idea what to do with your gorgeous curls. You might feel angry, or embarrassed. Maybe you feel sad or lonely. And maybe you feel a surge of pride and hold your head higher. Any of these reactions is totally okay and completely normal. Being the odd man out can leave you feeling all sorts of things and there’s no one right or wrong way to feel or respond to a situation such as this. However, these tips can help guide you through the awkward confrontation and moments following, so that you can cope with and understand how you are feeling, communicate it effectively, and educate the individuals who helped cause you to feel that way. Not only might you save the next person from experiencing what you just did, but you never know, you might walk away with a lifelong friend.
Explore your own signals. What are you relaying to others via your own body language, facial expressions, tone, and other communication? Are you putting off an unapproachable vibe? Do you seem irritated, angry, upset, or annoyed? Stop to consider if maybe your own signals are telling others that you don’t want to talk, aren’t interested in conversation, or maybe don’t like them. Sometimes our own bias and our fear of not fitting in or being awkward causes us to, well, not fit in and be awkward. Be aware of your body, your expressions, your tone of voice and how others might perceive them.
Be the Bigger Person. Even if your own signals are in check and they’re still putting off some uncomfortable vibes and you aren’t really feeling like they’re your kind of people, try anyway. Hold your head up and start the conversation. Ask if you can join their table or invite them to join yours. Make yourself open and approachable, even if you feel anything but. You may find that their fear of not fitting in is causing them to, well, not fit in. Perhaps they’re feeling exactly what you are, or maybe they’re just shy. There are many reasons for others to behave in ways that make you feel unwelcome or as if you don’t belong, and most of them actually have nothing to do with you.
Grow your confidence! Get that self-esteem up baby! Love yourself and have enough confidence that you refuse to compromise your own integrity just to fit in or blend with the crowd. Embrace the things that make you unique and highlight them to your advantage. Use those special traits to separate you from the crowd and you’ll learn that sometimes, not fitting in is far more fun.
Boss up! That’s right, boss up! I know you’ve heard the phrase step outside of your comfort zone or get comfortable being uncomfortable, but what does that even mean? It means show them you are a real boss. Go up and offer your hand. Shake with a firm grip, make direct eye contact, and smile. Let them know you aren’t intimidated. You don’t have time to be pressed about how they feel about you because you’re too busy being a boss. If they respond in a rude manner, or are too short, or too crass, act like you don’t even notice. Soon, they’ll end up embarrassing themselves in front of your peers. They’ll be the one who looks jealous and insecure, while you’re still shaking hands and rubbing elbows with other like-minded bosses. You might feel unsure, nervous, or awkward but if you act like you have all the confidence in the world, soon enough, you’ll start to feel like you do too.
Try something new! While you should never allow anyone to cross your boundaries or convince you to be anyone except the wonderful person you are, it’s totally okay to live a little and try something new! You just might like it! If the social interaction techniques you’ve been using haven’t produced the results you were hoping for, perhaps its time to consider pulling out the stops and doing something you haven’t tried yet. Getting a good grasp on how to handle various situations and social spheres is a challenge, and it takes time. It’s okay if you don’t have it down to a science yet! Take the good with the bad, recognize where you’re going wrong and recognize where you’re going right! What works for me might not work for you and that’s fine too.
Communicate Clearly! Which also means being an active listener! If you’re still feeling some type of way about the situation at hand, speak on it! Communicate efficiently and effectively with the individuals who are involved by using I statements. I think, I feel, I want, I don’t… and do not make assumptions about how other people are feeling or why they are behaving a certain way. When you’ve stated your emotions and feelings to the parties as clearly and factually as you can, give them a chance to talk. Truly listen to them too, don’t spend the entire time they are talking planning your comeback speech or rebuttal, stop, clear your mind, and listen. If we want to draw awareness to these situations and the underlying feelings that are often behind them the most important thing is to understand what and why it is happening. We can’t change it if we don’t understand it!
And finally, feel your feelings! Whatever you do, you don’t want to push them aside, bottle them up, or fail to acknowledge them! The more you are able to accept the feelings, acknowledge them, understand why you feel that way and respond to the feeling, the better you will feel afterwards. I highly recommend getting a journal and writing some things down about your feelings and the situation that led up to them. You don’t have to keep a notebook, you can just use a blank sheet of paper or even a napkin and ball it up and toss it when you’re finished, but getting those words out, from your mind to the paper, as a tangible thing you can hold and crush in your hand, does wonders for your mental health. You’ll be surprised how much emotion can flow out of you once you get started! And if you have a good friend or a parent who you can talk to, talk it out! A trusted person’s feedback is always helpful. You may have perceived the situation different than someone else would have and that’s an important consideration if you want to map out a better plan moving forward. Sometimes our own feelings and fears turn out to be the enemy, but you’ll never identify that if you don’t talk about it with an uninvolved party and accept honest feedback.
It’s 2024 and we all know that bias, prejudice, and racism exist full force – and we’ve got to do better. But the awareness that we’re bringing through learning positive and effective coping mechanisms is the ONLY way we can change it. Implicit Biases, biases that people hold within themselves and often aren’t even aware of having, are sneaky little things! They take root and grow if they are watered! Let’s make sure they don’t get that water today, okay!
Have you tried these strategies?! When you do, come back and tell us how it works for you! Do you have other strategies than the ones we mentioned that have helped you in similar situations?! We want to hear all about it! Drop a comment, like it, and share with your family and friends who might also enjoy learning some techniques to deal with exclusion.
About the Author:
Tia is an investigative journalist here at BLACK. She holds degrees in Political Science and Applied Economics from SNHU and she is a first-year law student at Purdue Global Law School, pursuing her J.D. She also has a certification in Human Rights from Wassmuth Center for Human Rights in Boise Idaho and she recently interned for the Office of Budget and Entitlement Policy at Cato Institute in Washington, D.C. Tia is a RESULTS 2024 Organizing and Advocacy Fellow and Outreach and Partnerships Coordinator. She lives with her husband and three children in Hurricane, West Virginia.
In her free time, she enjoys contemporary art, fashion, home décor, reading, and family. Tia is passionate about protecting American consumers and corporations and is a strong proponent for open markets, human rights, and equality for all. Her current focus is slavery reparations, entitlement program solvency, and budget appropriations process reform. While Tia is not black, she supports the fight for equality and stands with BLM. She believes that unearned privilege creates a duty to act against racial inequality and injustices.
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